Parenting an Addict; Hardly a Dream

As prospective parents we look forward with great joy and anticipation as we start our journey to parenthood. Even before the actual arrival of our child we are already thinking how we can be the best parents possible, provide all the essentials needed for a loving caring nurturing environment. As parents we don’t mind sacrificing so that our children can have all they need plus. We are gratified to see our children grow and develop and achieve their highest potentials so that life for them will be better for them that it has been for us. I guess you could say parents our very co-dependent on their children. When they are happy we are happy and when they are sad we are sad. We feel their joy and feel their pain.


Then a day comes in your life when joys and dreams of good things for your child come to a screeching halt. The day we find out that our child is “doing drugs.” It may be pot, cocaine, heroin, prescription drugs or alcohol or a combination of drugs, but regardless fear, anxiety takes over our bodies and minds. We try to find out all the circumstances surrounding what we have just found out. The extent of the abuse, what drugs, with who and whom are they getting these drugs from. The next step is to determine what kind of help we can offer our child. And as I went through this process anger and resentment and frustration entered into my life. As time progresses and the child we brought into this world so that they could enjoy success and happiness falls into a hole of drug use, deception and a life that most could not relate to or understand. Of course we send them to treatment, the best money can buy. But relapse after relapse fear and dismay heightens because as parents we do no see the light at the end of the tunnel. Then as a father the worst emotion of all surfaces, helplessness. After all I am a father and is it not my responsibility to make all right in the world for my family? With helplessness comes the next and final emotion as a father, failure. The acknowledgement that I cannot fix this problem for my child. That in the final analyses only the individual affected by this insidious disease can start and continue their own recovery. This acknowledgment took me many years to come to terms with. After much soul searching I came to the conclusion that I am only a parent. I can do only the best I can do. I also spent much time looking to blame someone for my child’s despair.

The disease of addiction affects the entire family tree, parents grandparents, other relatives and friends. Finally I came to the realization that addiction is truly a family disease for many reasons. As time marches on for many so does the disease of addiction gaining momentum in the most negative ways. Spiraling behaviors as a result of drug addiction bring other issues into the equation. Legal issues, family trust issues, resentment and family members dealing with their own psychological and physical fatigue of trying to keep up with all the negative behaviors of the addicted love one as their addiction spirals deeper and deeper.

I remember reading a book on the issue of kids and drugs many years ago when I discovered my child was involved in drugs. The title of the book is “Not My Kid.” I would suggest it be recommended reading for any family that first finds out that their child is abusing drugs. As parents we almost always retain hope that such a precious life we brought into this world will finally break away from the grasp of such a terrible disease. That the frown on the face of our child will turn to a smile and that they will achieve all the good things in life we planned for them before they ever entered this world.

Why do we care more than addicts?

It seems to be almost universally true. Parents, friends, therapists, and even administrators seem to care more about what happens to an addict or alcoholic than the person with the disease cares. Why is that? I think it is the nature of the disease.

If addicts had intact abilities to think clearly and rationally; to have appropriate insight; and to have good life skills, then for the most part they probably wouldn't be sick. Unfortunately that is not the case. some would say that addicts make a conscious decision to be an addict and therefore they can make a conscious decision to stop being an addict. I am sure that they would if it were that simple. But it just isn't that simple. The analogy would be telling a diabetic to stop being a diabetic. Tell them to lose weight and eat right and their life will be fine. A few can do it, but most cannot. It is the same way with addiction. Some can just do it. for some it was a conscious decision to start and it can be a conscious decision to stop. But for the overwhelming majority it is their disease; not of addiction, but their psychiatric disease, that makes them an addict and prevents their recovery.

So now we are left with an addict who can't make a rational decision even when their life counts on it. So we try as family members and therapists to help them with the decision to get clean. We try to show them that we care enough about them they we won't let them throw their lives away. But quite frankly until we are able to clean up the underlying pathology they will never follow the path to recovery. Care all you want, but until an addict has the tools in place to care as much as you do you are wasting your time, your breath, and your money. Parents spend thousand of dollars on kids who don't want to get better. they are not ready because they don't have the right tools.

For that reason all addicts must go the programs that understand the true pathology of the disease of addiction. A program founded strongly in dual diagnosis. It is only dual diagnosis programs that have a success rate in treating addiction that is even remotely respectable.

You must never stop caring, but you must care appropriately. Care enough to put your loved one in a program that will give them the opportunity to care as well.

Whose Program is it Anyway?

WE see it all the time. Very often the addict shows up for his or hers 28 day treatment program not sure if they are ready for treatment. Not sure if they are committed to the process of moving toward recovery. the client is quiet and often withdrawn. Getting them to open up is often a challenge. Many still have the affects of the drug of choice still in their system and affecting their behavior. Sooner or later every addict who successfully completes a treatment program does open up however, and recovery becomes a real possibility.

The family however, is ready to go. They are ready to talk. They are anxious to tell their story; to vent to whoever will listen. They don't need any prodding or encouragement. Their therapy often begins with the first informational phone call.

Family members are desperate for therapy. Many of them may not even know it. They are just desperate to tell their story to someone. This cathartic behavior is often the most therapeutic process they have participated in for the past several years. for some that is all they need. They need to know that they are not alone. That there are other families out there who been in the same shoes and now it is time for some validation for what they are feeling and dealing with.

For many families it is far more than that they need. Remember that the genes don't fall far from the tree. Simply stated, many bipolar addicts are not the index case of bipolar disorder or some other psychiatric illness in the family. Many family members NEED therapy in order for their addict family member to get better. Family pathology and family dynamics must be addressed and every decent treatment program must have a family therapy as part of it's core curriculum.

So as a family member don't be afraid to jump into the treatment process with both feet. Family therapy is an important facet to an addicts recovery--and to your own.

“What Is The Difference between Enabling and Helping?’

First let me qualify myself as a gold medallist as an enabler. My personal life experiences in this area at least qualifies me to attempt to make the differentiation between these two behaviors. On first blush when discussing enabling as it relates to a behavior between two people. One currently under the influence of an addiction and the other a family member, friend and how they interact with support or lack of support of this person.

From my perspective enabling was an action in which I was the constant rescuer. Continuously taking care of issues and problems that my family member should have been taking care of themselves. Not allowing an individual to deal with the consequences of their actions is also enabling. Giving money to an individual that is capable of working and is not, is the purest form of enabling. Constantly making excuses for our family member’s inability to perform normally in our society is also enabling. I could go on and on with many examples of enabling, but I think you get the idea.

So what is appropriate help for an individual dealing with addiction. A rule of thumb our family finally adopted is, when our loved one was truly dedicated and serious about their addiction we would help with family support in the following ways. First and most important we told our family member that when they are doing the right things ie. treatment, working addressing their issues and accepting responsibility for their behaviors we would be there and form a reasonable support system to enhance the recovery process. When your loved one is actively involved with their addiction this can create a high degree of family stress and dysfunctional interaction affecting all family members. When this occurs I felt it was necessary for our family to develop the philosophy of “Let Go, Let God.”

Often times the difference between enabling and helping is difficult to distinguish. Using common sense and learning to say no, I feel can help one make the right decisions in terms of helping and not enabling. Remember, enabling is harmful and counterproductive. Whereas, helping can lead to positive situations.

Remember, enabling will never help the addict, but helping in the right way will.

Have you been a gold medalist enabler with your loved one? And if not how did you avoid this difficult behavior? Don’t forget the natural reaction for us is the help our loved ones, not abandon them.

“Is Addiction a Family Disease?”

For those families that have not been affected by the disease of addiction the understanding of how this disease affects the total family would be difficult to comprehend. But, for those families that have been affected by this disease it becomes quickly apparent how this disease becomes a family disease. Addiction can be viewed as a family disease in two very distinct perspectives. First the question that begs to be asked is addiction a disease that has genetic links? When researching many clients it is very common to note that addiction in one form or another can be traced to other family members. Grandparents, parents, siblings etc. when doing a family history it becomes apparent that addiction has been in place in the family tree.

Often times when evaluating a person being treated for addiction issues, the review of the family dynamics brings one down two distinctive roads. One that often times finds the family member is a result of their environment. The family environment can be one of a highly dysfunctional family with a history of addiction within the family unit. So it is not unusual to see a family member with addiction issues usually coupled with other behavioral pathologies resulting in a dual diagnosis. So under this scenario one can easily state that addiction is a family disease.

The second road to be traveled to determine if addiction is a family disease can be presented as follows. The family member comes from a loving and caring family. One in which the family performs in a reasonably functional manner and yet a family member is now in the arms of addiction. The manner in which this disease affects all family members, one could certainly argue makes this a family disease. The interactions of the addicted member and their affect on the rest of the family would also certainly classify this as a family disease. The despair, concern, fear, helplessness and financial burden(for treatment & legal issues) and often times shame makes this truly a family disease. Many times those affected by addiction do not realize how their behaviors negatively impact the rest of the family unit. The strain on the rest of the family in dealing with all the issues surrounding the loved one with an active addiction can make the most functional families dysfunctional in a relatively short time.

So, I think we can say with a high degree of certainty that addiction truly is a family disease.

For every action...

...there is NOT always an equal but opposite reaction. As family members and friends of addicts we very often let them off the hook when their addiction negatively impacts on us. Along the way we learn from various support groups and therapists that we must practice "tough love" and we are torn between making the addict responsible for their behavior and not waning to create more friction in an already tense relationship. So which is correct. How do we best impact positively on an addict's behavior/disease and still feel good about ourselves. The answer is that there is no right answer.

If we truly believe that addiction is a disease then we must be careful not to hold an addict too accountable for a disease that he/she may have no control over at a given point in time. Particularly early in the course of their disease before they have had adequate treatment and their dual diagnosis has not been addressed. We do not punish someone when they develop diabetes or high blood pressure. We must be careful to not do the same to an addict under similar circumstances. Addicts deserve every opportunity to participate in treatment programs that "get it". Programs that understand the science of addiction, understand dual diagnosis, and treat the addict and their disease "Holistically".

That being said there does come a day when we as family members and friend s must hold addicts accountable. They don't get a free pass forever and they must learn that there are consequences for their behavior. When they have been given the righ tools for recovery and yet they ignore those tools and continue to let their addiction ruin their lives and the lives of those around them, then it is time to play the "tough love" card. Addicts must earn the right to be loved. to be a member of the family with all its privileges.

As strongly as I feel that addiction is a true disease, I also feel that once given the right treatment there comes a time when every addict has the ability to make a conscious decision to either use or stay straight. If they choose to use then we must hold them liable for that bad choice.

The Holiday Season is perhaps the time of year when families suffer the most because of a loved one's addiction. Making the "right" choice for us is always a difficult one. Perhaps this will help. Where do you stand? share your thoughts.

How can families find peace?

As a therapist one of the most difficult things is to see family members in pain. the most frustrating thing of all for the families is that they have absolutely no control over the situation. I will have families worried sick about the whereabouts of their loved ones and the addict is out using and not the least bit concerned that the family is worried about whether they are dead or alive.

The truth is when the addict is using they are extremely selfish and self-absorbed. Once they resurface the family is so relieved that they are alright that they will give into the requests and demands of the addict (i.e. money, a place to stay, etc.).

This cycle of ups and downs is debilitating to the family. I will often hear how families become alienated from friends and family die to the number of times they canceled plans or make excuses as to why they cannot commit to plans. Families will say, "How can I possibly go out and enjoy myself under these circumstances?" The truth is that the more you life is changed and affected the more control and power the addict has over your life.

It is extremely important to go to Naranon. Get support and meet other families that can relate to what you are going through. At the same time, it is important to try and keep your life as normal as possible. It is important not to become too enmeshed with your loved one. Although it is extremely difficult it is important not to have the attitude that if they are not happy you can't be happy. You are not the addict and you should not be making poor choices just because they are. The more the addict controls your life the more resentful you will become.

I will often tell families that yo can be there for your loved one when they are doing the right thing, however, when they are not they are not welcome. When I say not welcome I mean not welcome to create chaos; the disruption and the pain that goes with having the addict in your life.

Are you a family that is trying to cope with having an addict in your life? What have you done to maintain your happiness and sanity?

A Parent's Perspective

As prospective parents we look forward with great joy and anticipation as we start our journey to parenthood. Even before the actual arrival of our child we are already thinking how we can be the best parents possible, provide all the essentials needed for a loving caring nurturing environment. As parents we don’t mind sacrificing so that our children can have all they need plus. We are gratified to see our children grow and develop and achieve their highest potentials so that life for them will be better for them that it has been for us. I guess you could say parents our very co-dependent on their children. When they are happy we are happy and when they are sad we are sad. We feel their joy and feel their pain.


Then a day comes in your life when joys and dreams of good things for your child come to a screeching halt. The day we find out that our child is “doing drugs.” It may be pot, cocaine, heroin, prescription drugs or alcohol or combinations of drugs, but regardless fear, anxiety takes over our bodies and minds. We try to find out all the circumstances surrounding what we have just found out. The extent of the abuse, what drugs, with who and whom are they getting these drugs from. The next step is to determine what kind of help we can offer our child. And as I went through this process anger and resentment and frustration entered into my life. As time progresses and the child we brought into this world so that they could enjoy success and happiness falls into a hole of drug use, deception and a life that most could not relate to or understand. Of course we send them to treatment, the best money can buy. But relapse after relapse fear and dismay heightens because as parents we do no see the light at the end of the tunnel. Then as a father the worst emotion of all surfaces, helplessness. After all I am a father and is it not my responsibility to make all right in the world for my family? With helplessness comes the next and final emotion as a father, failure. The acknowledgement that I cannot fix this problem for my child. That in the final analyses only the individual affected by this insidious disease can start and continue their own recovery. This acknowledgment took me many years to come to terms with. After much soul searching I came to the conclusion that I am only a parent. I can do only the best I can do. I also spent much time looking to blame someone for my child’s despair.

The disease of addiction affects the entire family tree, parents grandparents, other relatives and friends. Finally I came to the realization that addiction is truly a family disease for many reasons. As time marches on for many so does the disease of addiction gaining momentum in the most negative ways. Spiraling behaviors as a result of drug addiction bring other issues into the equation. Legal issues, family trust issues, resentment and family members dealing with their own psychological and physical fatigue of trying to keep up with all the negative behaviors of the addicted love one as their addiction spirals deeper and deeper.

I remember reading a book on the issue of kids and drugs many years ago when I discovered my child was involved in drugs. The title of the book is “Not My Kid.” I would suggest it be recommended reading for any family that first finds out that their child is abusing drugs. As parents we almost always retain hope that such a precious life we brought into this world will finally break away from the grasp of such a terrible disease. That the frown on the face of our child will turn to a smile and that they will achieve all the good things in life we planned for them before they ever entered this world.

When is enough, enough

When is it time to say "I've had enough"? When is is OK to say "I've had enough"? Time to jump ship; to get off the merry-go-round. To say that I can no longer invest the emotional energy to stay on the band wagon because the "price" is too high. And that doesn't count the money spent. Every one of us who is in any way connected to an addict has asked these questions. The questions are easy. We ask them repeatedly. Every time there is another drama, another relapse, another excuse about why a program is not working; about why a job can't be held; about every "why it is just not my fault"; we ask them over and over. we ask them quietly to ourselves, to our closest friends and family, to our therapists, to any one we hope will have an answer. The reality is, however, that no one has the right answer to these incredibly difficult questions.

Is it the guilt that keeps us invested in each addicts life regardless of how much drama it brings us? Is it hope that eventually the light will go "on" and recovery will finally settle in? What ever it is, one thing is clear--The only answer to these questions are the ones you can live with. At the end of the day the right answers resides in that sweet spot where peace of mind lives. We must be prepared to live with the possibility that at the time we turn our back we will not be given the opportunity to have a "do over". The most serious and permanent end game may prevent us from reaching out to our loved one again.

Today in our program one parent decided that it was time to get out of the game. He had spent all he had. Emotionally and financially he told his sound that he had spent all he had and he was done. "Tell him I have nothing more to give". His son is forty and an alcoholic for as long as he can remember. He lost his job, his marriage, and his kids. He cannot talk to his kids for 1 year and his letters must be read before they are shared with his children. Clearly a bad situation. One that I just stepped into as his physician 4 weeks ago. Call me stupid but I really think that this time he really has a chance of making it and I only pray that the father didn't "jump" too soon. Time will tell.

“To hit bottom or not that is the question”

As a family member of a loved one that has struggled with the disease of addiction I have spent twenty plus years researching treatment and program philosophies dealing with this issue of whether allowing your loved one to hit bottom or not. Many people in recovery relate their own experiences and what defining moment changed their lives to recovery. For many of these people the defining moment was hitting rock bottom. The realization that they have lost everything near and dear to them. They had no place to go and they had run out of options and therefore were accepting of a process that would lead them into a life of change and sobriety. In my opinion allowing someone to hit rock bottom is not without some serious potential incremental consequences. Leaving someone out on the street does expose them to serious consequences in the form of personal health issues, bodily injury from a criminal element as well as dealing with legal issues as a result of their own criminal behavior.

Is it better to rescue or “Let go, let God”? I could certainly make an argument that not allowing someone to hit rock bottom does make recovery and dealing with recovery issues much easier and simpler. Dealing with legal issues, health issues etc. can add to complexity of recovery. But as I previously stated many people believe that the concept of hitting bottom is necessary for many before recovery can start.

I have personally attended many Naranon meetings in which this very subject has been the focus of discussion. I can tell you personally there is no mandate for one course of action vs. the other. I will tell you the way any particular family may determine their actions in dealing with this situation often comes down to how they personally feel about leaving a loved one on the street or not is based on their philosophy of tough love or not. Will they have feelings of guilt if something untoward would happen to their loved one?
I have been in many Naranon meetings in which many members subscribed to the philosophy of getting their loved one off the street and getting them out of harms way and hope that they will be willing to go into treatment and start embracing a life of sobriety.

So in my humble opinion I’m not sure there really is a right or wrong answer to this question, but ultimately comes down to what the family is comfortable doing. What is your feeling on this subject? “Let go, let God” or rescue and hope your loved one is ready for recovery?

Synergy Goup Services faces addiction as a family

We at Synergy Group Services have had almost 20 years of dealing with the disease of addiction at times as patients, and as family members. Addiction has touched our lives in the "first person". This experience is invaluable when our attention is directed towards helping our clients move forward to their own recovery. Studies show that parents who remember what it is like to be a child have fewer conflicts with their children than those who have no such memory. Placing ourselves into the shoes of those around us makes all of us more understanding; more forgiving; more real.

We now live our lives primarily in the "third person" as therapists, administrators, and physicians. but we never forget what it is like to have been there in the first person. This uniquely qualifies us to care for everyone who has experienced the many faces of addiction. Whether you are a patient or a family member or just a significant other, there are all sorts of obstacles that you must hurdle to achieve recovery. Perhaps one of the most significant obstacles is embarrassment. Embarrassment that leads to cover-up and excuses. embarrassment that hinders recovery because you can't fix what you are not willing to uncover or reveal. We have HEARD all the excuses. We have USED many of the excuses.

Addiction touches more lives than any of us will ever know. The challenge is to get it out in the open so that everyone can heal. Not just the person who is addicted but everyone he or she has ever touched in a meaningful way. We will help you find the answer to the questions "Why do I use?", "Why did they do this to our family?", "How can we find help?" It all stats with honesty and openness. All of us have had our issues. We must relate to each other in the "first person"

Are you embarrassed? Are you afraid? Do you feel alone? Your NOT. Get over it. Get help. Tell me how we can help.